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People like happy people
1. Remember the liking principle.
Robert Cialdini introduced this powerful psychological trigger in his seminal book Influence: the psychology of persuasion. The liking principle is centred around how we put much more weight into appearances. Good looking people seem to have it easier! Well it’s not their fault, we like good looking people, but not just good looking people, people who dress up, people who care about their appearance. These folks will get further because random people will generally trust them.
Smile more. People like happy people. If you can enter meetings, presentations and meeting people for the first time with a genuine big ol smile on, you’re going to have an easier time.
The mirror neurons in our brains copy what others do, so when you smile at someone it’s hard for them not to smile back! Use this a lot, you never know when someone just needs a smile and that reassuring look of “you got this!”.
Stop arguing, start encouraging
2. Remember don’t correct people in public!
Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends and Influence People. Be agreeable, try not to tell people they are wrong, or correct them in public. That’s a great way to get someone to not like you. Some people tell themselves they love to argue but this is just a defense mechanism because they don’t think they can have a friendly conversation without disagreeing with you.
If you find someone who loves to play devil’s advocate politely tell them that the devil doesn’t need advocacy, he or she is doing quite well on his or her own. Instead try to find the truth in other people’s arguments. Try to find what you agree with. It’s easy finding fault or calling out what you don’t believe. It’s much more difficult to try to understand the world through their eyes.
We also learned from Mr. Carnegie that smiling at people helps in many ways, looking people in the eye when they are talking, giving people your attention and trying to find a general interest in people. These aren’t obvious ways to build relationships in 2019 and beyond but they were pretty forward thinking back in 1938 when he first wrote the book. The lessons in the book have stood the test of time and will remain valuable when we do business on Mars soon enough. HA!
Stop arguing, start encouraging.
First impressions matter, a lot
3. Remember we put a lot of emphasis on first impressions.
In Blink by Malcolm Gladwell we learn that first impressions are incredibly important. We put a lot of weight into how we meet people. Even if you don’t believe it, your subconscious puts a lot of weight into first impressions.
You can’t control it, we do it without knowing. That’s why for the job interview even if you don’t feel like dressing up nice you should. A first date, the first day at school, meeting family for the first time, leaving a great first impression is incredibly valuable.
As we get older we rely on these snap judgements even more. With experience comes pattern recognition, when someone does something that just doesn’t seem right it’s usually because it isn’t. Trust those gut check moments, our intuition is right more often than you think.
Showing up is half the battle
4. Remember to show up.
In Ori and Ram Brafman’s Click: The Magic of Instant Connections we learned that sometimes just being present is the best way to make friends. Proximity is a factor when it comes down to how you get along with others. If you never see someone the odds aren’t in your favour to become friends. If on the other hand you run into a certain person a lot, you’ll generally get along with that person much easier. In a study referenced in the book, in a College dorm, the students who lived in the middle of the dorm made more friends than the students who bunked at the ends of the hallway. Lesson learned? Just be present, the more people you bump into the better odds of making friends.
The “Yes Man” Philosophy
In the movie made popular several years ago, Yes Man taught us to take every opportunity that’s presented to us. Yes it’s not factual but a neat thought experiment and an even better life experiment to try out for yourself. You never know who you’re going to meet when you go to something you never have been to before. Unless you have prior commitments or are sick, you have no reason to say “no” to someone who’s invited you to something.
